Sometimes I think the interesting parts of me died when I became a resident. I used to be funny, confident and have hobbies. I also knew how to call people, blog and just connect. This week I did something I hadn’t done in over 2 years or so…I made a mix.
Recently I have been frustrated and this mix reflects this. Just down right angry. I have been feeling a great schism in my heart and with others. For once I not mad at God. I guess it revolves around two points, respect and reverence. There has been a frustration in my worship life in seeing complaints about reverence. What is reverence? Is it toeing the line? Is it kneeling when told to “kneel as far as possible”? Is it standing through the doxology and closing your eyes during prayer?
Recently I was in a week long discussion that began to end when I was acussed of not being respectful. The crux of this was I was not doing what the other person “wanted” and therefore I was not respecting them. Is that respect? Many people I know believe respect is blindly following orders. I have nothing to say.
1. Work by Jars of Clay
2. A Sight to Behold by Eisley
3. Lost! by Coldplay
4. Hometown Glory by ADELE
5. Grey Street by Dave Matthews Band
6. Dirty Second Hands by Switchfoot
7. I’m Not Alright by Sanctus Real
8. Sleeping In by Nevertheless
9. Inside Outside by delirious?
10. Plan B by MuteMath
11. Alien by delirious?
12. Closer by Jars of Clay
13. White as Snow by Jon Foreman
I think this album describes where I am at spiritually at this point. I am broken, frustrated and angry and surprised to find that I need God. Not when I am better, not when I am perfect, not when I am in trouble but when I am sitting alone in a room mad at myself because I am not perfect, unhappy and generally unlikeable. I feel like I need to do more, need to be better, need to be good and kind. I can not be any of those things. I am what I am. I do not need to respect, to be reverent or to toe the line. I need a relationship. I need to call, I need to talk, I need to spend time with God. Sometimes the worse I am the less I want to do this. It magnifies my needs. The closer I get the dirtier I appear.
Now I see in a mirror dimly, but soon I shall see face to face.